I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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