and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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