All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
