Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Your dad touched me again.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
