On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
