I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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