mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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