Please, let me fuck your mom
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
