glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
