So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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