i just had sex bonerless
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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