I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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