she looked like the before picture.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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