I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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