My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
