My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
