i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
