i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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