I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
