You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
