Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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