Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
