Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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