So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
