My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
