Tell her she can't have a vagina
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
