Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
