@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
