the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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