I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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