Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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