By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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