mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
