Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
