Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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