i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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