She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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