I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
