Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
