all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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