..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
