She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
