We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
