I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can text with my tongue
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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