Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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