I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize