the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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