That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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