He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
