I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
