I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
