[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
