If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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