hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
