I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
